Woke up feeling a bit rough with a mild headache. We were all downstairs by 5:40 just in time to say bye to daddy. 

I love how no matter what you (Forrest) always greet me with the sweetest smiles as soon as you wake up but today as soon as we got downstairs you weren't very happy.  You did some great jumping in the jumparoo then you spent some time on your tummy and you're getting so strong so fast,  it blows my mind!  You are growing up in what seems like lightning speed, I can't believe the pyjamas you are wearing says 12-18 months,  you are only 4 months!  Nixie loves when you have tummy time and always tries to cheer you on with her encouraging "you can do it!  You're doing it little brother!" it warms my heart! But it wasn't long after that you got annoyed and wanted to stand,  Nixie even managed to hold you up for the first time… if only you could have seen her face,  she was so proud! You started getting more and more annoyed,  cuddles and kisses weren’t enough,  even nursing wasn't satisfying you. Oh and I’ve really been trying to get you to nurse on the left side but you are refusing, every so often you do but most of the time you won’t and my boobs have become so lopsided! I swear my right boob is two cup sizes bigger! Your belly was a bit sensitive today,  you just had your second set of jabs and rotavirus which always gives you an ouchie belly for a few days. After changing you I put you in the wrap and you fell asleep within minutes but didn’t stay asleep for very long. 

And Nixie after you had your breakfast you were still talking about your imaginary little baby moles… ever since yesterday when we discovered a dead mole on the path to the strawberry farm we've been taking care of a lot of imaginary baby moles...you told me you are taking care of them while their momma is away.  But you told me she's still alive.  It really upset you seeing the dead mole. You brought out one of your favorite books,  exploratorium of nature and we looked for any information on moles and then you opened it to the page of animal limbs,  the zebras legs are your favorite but you said you wished you had unicorn rainbow limbs. I don’t blame you, I think that would be pretty awesome!

I decided to get my futon out of the attic and bring it into the garden where I managed to nurse Forrest and put him down for a nap while you and I did some crafts. You wanted to make some artwork with moles so that's what we did.It felt so amazing to be out relaxing in the garden. Afterwards you wanted to go inside to play with muaddib and I took this opportunity to just lay down next to Forrest while he slept.  I just love snuggling him and watching him sleep.

Once he woke up I finally managed a shower and it felt so good to wash my hair!  Afterwards we played your game of "teams" which is something you had started with daddy where you go through all your animals and cars taking turns to choose one and then afterwards we had to race each of them. The winners would then have to go stand on their balcony. But the rules are a bit foggy, sometimes you claim I win or that you won when it was clearly the other person and other times you would decide it was a tie and that we both won!

After lunch we went on a walk to Buckland Rings to play in the sand hills.  You didn't want to leave telling me, “I’m never leaving here, I want to stay here forever!” We  watched someone on their bike doing some jumps and you were in a state of awe, you thought it was absolutely amazing and declared that you were also going to do that when you are bigger. On our way home we met a really nice woman who we ended up going on a walk with, she was so lovely and had such a beautiful energy about her and we just chatted away to each other as though we were old friends and you had fun throwing a ball to one of her dogs. I do love random human encounters, they are so good for the soul!

When we got home I took Forrest out of the wrap and he was in the cutest half asleep state, I probably should have kept him in longer but I really thought he was waking up.You tried getting him to fall back to sleep like you did yesterday,  it was so sweet but he was having none of it & instead you just made him laugh. After a little while we headed back out to get some groceries and stop by waterstones for some sticker books. As we walked through the book shop to the kids section you grabbed a book off a shelf and rushed to sit down in a chair telling me that you needed to read it first and how exciting it was and how you wanted to bring it home, I checked to see what book you had  grabbed and it was a book about how to grow fruit. You were being so cute! On our way back home you ended up taking your shoes off because they were giving you blisters but when we had left the house and I tried to discourage you to wear them as I had a feeling that might happen you were absolutely determined that they were comfortable and wouldn’t hurt your feet. So I spent the rest of our walk home scanning the sidewalks for glass or anything that might hurt your little feet. 

I was so happy we had leftovers to eat and I didn’t need to think about cooking. You asked me to drink juice with you at the same time so we did but had to do it again insync because i didn't say "ahhh" at the end. Forrest was getting pretty unsettled but I managed to eat my soup super fast so I could try to settle him.  You came over to us on the couch and tried to soothe him by singing your song "i looove you soo much from the day you were born" while gently placing your hand on his back… moments like these I just bottle up and keep so that I never forget them,  these little moments are the ones that make the tough moments that much easier to go through. 

All three of us ended up in the bath together and we all had a really good time,  you were being really calm and Forrest absolutely loved touching the water and making splashes and each time he splashed it made you so happy! 

Once we were all in bed and I was trying to get him to fall asleep you grabbed your crystals and wanted to do some healing on him and it is the most endearing thing in the world to me because you will place the crystal on his belly along with your hand and then do a very forceful out breath as though you are breathing it all into him and you always have a very serious look on your face.  Bedtime was going so amazingly, the stars were aligned and everything seemed to flow,  Forrest fell asleep while reading stories and I was even able to put him down so you and I could cuddle but then he stirred and it went all wrong (the last three times I've done bed haven't gone very well and you are going through some big intense emotions, you have been feeling that all my attention is on Forrest and because you are tired it's been causing you to lash out in very aggressive ways) and it made me so sad because all I needed was 5 seconds to get him back to sleep but in your world all you could see was that it was about him again and you got resentful and very upset and started lashing out again. Just then daddy came home and took over and Forrest and I went downstairs. Soon after I went to bed too feeling drained.