Today felt a bit intense & emotionally draining. It was a mixture of really amazing moments and really bad moments. It started out on a high note: You and I hadn't really seen your daddy for a couple of days other than maybe 5 min in the morning so we were both super happy that he had today and tomorrow off giving us a 4 day weekend together. We let him sleep in a little and you and I went downstairs and had a relaxing & lazy morning reading books, cuddling the cats & lots of drawing.
When he woke up all you wanted was to play with him and to show him your new my little pony, Luna which was a very belated Xmas gift from your cousin. You also wanted to show him your writing. We had decided to have a day out at Durdle Door so I went to the shop to get some snacks, you had really wanted to come with me but once you saw daddy awake you no longer wanted to and when I got back home I found the two of you having the sweetest cuddle on the couch.
Your strong willed nature seems to have reached new heights these past few days. If things don't go exactly your way, or if I can't magically read your mind and get you the wrong cup or food or cut your sandwich wrong (even if I'm doing what you asked but you changed your mind and I hadn't had a chance to get the update from you) or forget to let you close the fridge or let you do something yourself you get so incredibly upset and angry. You have quite the temper on you. And today you weren't making getting dressed and getting ready easy and everything I said or did was wrong. You were in a very shouty and angry mood and just wouldn't calm down and I ended up shouting at you, which made me feel instantly awful. I apologized to you right away. I don't want to ever be someone that shouts. I've been feeling less patient off and on with this pregnancy and especially so these past few days & its felt harder for me to keep my cool. In moments like these I feel like such a mess and it makes we wonder how on earth am I going to manage with two! and then I had a really big cry. Sometimes I think this whole motherhood thing is really hard. Of course you were over the drama pretty quickly (whereas I felt bad & guilty for a lot longer) and you were back to being your happy self all excited about our days adventure. That's one thing you remind me to do, to just let go & move onwards and upwards.
We did finally make it into the car but our happiness was short lived. About 20 minutes into our journey you became so upset and angry about needing to wear your seat belt and you began shouting in protest. We tried to emphasise with you, telling you we understood that it can be uncomfortable but that it's the law and something we all need to wear for our safety. For a little while you would calm down and we'd all be laughing again, talking about your favourite animals or what we would see at the seaside but after a little while you'd get all upset about the seatbelt all over again! No matter what we said to you, you wouldn't stop trying to take it off, getting angrier and angrier & more worked up, but eventually you did chill out and stopped trying to take it off but only because I said to you in a half-shouty voice that you could die if you didn't wear it. Again I wasn't very happy with how I dealt with it. We also had to stop to put air in the tyres and you became livid that we wouldn't let you do it yourself. Once again we tried explaining it's something we needed to do but you weren't listening. We actually thought about changing our plans and staying closer to home because you were so upset and it seemed very unlike you, we thought maybe you were coming down with something but in the end we continued our journey.
Just before we arrived it started raining and you fell asleep. We didn't know whether to keep you asleep or wake you up but decided on the latter & it ended up being the right decision.
We made our way down the hill and down the steps to the beach and as we got there the wind was picking up and we could see some big rain showers coming our way in the distance. Just a bit further along the beach I spotted a cave and was delighted to discover that it was empty and the most perfect place to have our picnic and to take cover from the rain. It was so incredible and you absolutely loved it!! You kept telling us how amazing it was that we had our very own cave, you were in awe of it and immediately made yourself at home and began eating your lunch.
You and daddy went adventuring, giving me some space to have a little play with my Lee filters and some time to create some long exposure images. I also really loved our little cave and felt such peace wash over me, all the tension I felt earlier in the day began to slip away and once again I found my centre.
From our little spot while taking my photos I could see you and daddy having the best time ever, I could hear both of you giggling and laughing in the distance running along the beach or climbing the cliffs. All day you kept telling us you were doing ninja jumping, ninja walking and ninja climbing. You guys never stayed away too long before I saw you running back towards me with the biggest grin and your hand outstretched declaring you had found me very special stones and each time you had these precious little gifts for me you'd sing me happy B-Day (even though my B-Day was two weeks ago).
After a few hours the rain stopped and we continued our walk further along the beach and you climbed up this really steep ravine completely on your own! Today it's been all about climbing but unfortunately I haven't really been able to join in with you and daddy since being 19 weeks pregnant has made me extra cautious. But I've loved watching the two of you have fun! Although I did make it up this ravine with you two against your dads wishes! (I just wasn't in the mood to back track)
Once on top of the cliffs after your excitement of having made it up subsided your mood shifted & you refused to listen to us, you kept wanting to go where it was too dangerous to go and you refused to hold our hand.
And pretty much for the rest of our day with a few moments of calm & happiness we all seemed to be rubbing each other the wrong way. We ended up back at the beach because you wanted to collect more glass and this actually felt like a very zen meditative thing to do and I think it all helped us relax again. You just loved the stones on this beach and would lay down all stretched out and blissfully say "oh it is soooo nice laying here in the sun" (even though it was cloudy and their was no sun)
When it was time to go home you refused to go in the direction we needed you to go in. You wanted to climb the steepest bit up to the top which wasn't even possible. You and daddy compromised and climbed up another bit skipping the stairs. I took the stairs.
But once up that first bit you had an enormous upset because daddy wouldn't let you climb back down and he ended up having to carry you back up the rest of the way. Once at the top you kept getting angry and upset with us because we wouldn't let you climb where you wanted to climb, you wanted to be right on the edge without holding hands. But it was really all our fault we stayed out too long, we ignored our intuition because you wanted to stay and we wanted to stay but you had reached your overtired state. We should have left a lot earlier.
Both me and daddy were losing our patience. Upset after upset kept happening but with moments of happiness and joy in between. Everything felt a bit intense. At times you stopped and just laid there but you didn't want either of us near you. You were angry with us off and on. It was draining. We really felt for you though and really wished we could have made everything instantly better.
We eventually made up back to the car. We thought you'd fall asleep instantly in the car but you waited 75 minutes & didn't fall asleep until we were just 15 minutes from home! But then you were completely out and I carried you upstairs, undressed you and tucked you into bed without you even stirring in the slightest.
At least tomorrow is a new day and it's daddy's B-Day, a day you've been looking forward to all week and we have lots of fun surprises for him in store!