Today wasn't one of our best days (we were all running on empty after some rough nights & today marks almost a week of some very big changes for both you & me; you deciding to no longer nurse)   I had the alarm set for 6:30 because I had to be up and ready for my driving lesson at 7:30. You were still asleep when I got up but unfortunately you didn't stay asleep and joined me downstairs about 10 min after. Somehow you can always tell if I'm not in bed and always get up shortly after. 

 I had really wanted you to sleep in, you really needed the sleep after a really bad night. Actually we all needed more sleep. But the universe had other plans. You didn't want me to leave for my lesson and begged to be able to come with but when it became time for me to actually go you werent bothered at all with me leaving and gave me the biggest smoochiest kisses.

When I got back a couple of hours later, you & daddy were deeply immersed having so much fun in a fantasy world with your animals and I really wanted to join in, luckily I was allowed to and we all had some good giggles. I had hoped for us to go to the woods because I really wanted to collect chestnuts to roast and make a soup out of but the weather was miserable, we had heavy rain on and off all day so instead we had a creative & lazy day at home.

you were still in the middle of playing with your animals when all of a sudden you stood up and ran to your backpack, you had just remembered all the treasures we had collected the day before when we were out in the woods and couldn't wait to show daddy and you proceeded to lay them out in a very precise way on the table for him to see. 

It wasn't long before you returned to your animals and our very familiar role-playing game where you are Little the pig and where I'm Bambi the deer (but you pronounce it BamB'ee). I've been enjoying this game all week because we've had some amazing conversations through them, you've been really enjoying talking to each other in third person and today even daddy got to be Bambi.

Since the beginning of the week you've discovered cosmic kids yoga and you absolutely love it and couldn't wait to practice it today so you could show daddy your new moves. You have really been loving doing your Namaste's, the cat pose and the tree pose. You talk about the videos a lot and especially love taking on the role of the teacher and having us do what you do saying you're going to take us on an adventure! you are so sweet when you take on this role too!

I've been feeling your baby brother kick so much today and really wanted your daddy to feel him as well but all day you've been getting really upset if daddy tries to have a feel so instead we took advantage during today's yoga practice, to sneak off into the conservatory so he could experience the kicks too! (and I'm really sorry for having to sneak behind your back!)

For the rest of the day we did lots of drawing and you were especially proud of one of your pigs and even asked me to take a photo of it which I did! You were also happy to finish your pen holder we had made a couple days before out of clay by painting it. I love how you get so serious and know straight away which colours you will be using. 

Even early in the day I could see signs of tiredness written all over you, you were exceptionally shouty and more reactive than usual. You struggle even more with your emotions when you don't get enough sleep & just like me & daddy things that usually wouldn't phase you do, but in even greater ways than they do for us! And today was one of those days where nothing was going right for you because you kept having upset after upset.

I've had a serious chocolate craving for a good couple of weeks now and we decided to make a chocolate cake, one of my favourite Swedish cakes but I needed a reason so you said it could be for your baby brother and I thought that was the perfect reason! But we had to go to the shop for some ingredients. Our little outing started great but then you started getting upset because you dropped your popcorn that they were giving out and then you saw another little girl with some and wanted it. But really you were just exhausted but this really upset you, daddy had to hold you which you didn't like, then we put you in the trolley and we were about to get you tokens to put into the charity box but you got so angry and wanted to throw the whole bowl on the ground and wouldn't stop screaming and hitting me, I tried to help you calm down but you were in a place where you couldn't be reached so I decided the best option would be to leave without getting tokens. Well this decision caused probably the longest upset we've ever seen you have over anything. You just couldn't let it go. You cried about not having the tokens all the way home and it continued once at home. You demanded we take you back to Waitrose so you could get your tokens. You were screaming, trying to get through the door, throwing things in a rage, It was intense. Nothing we did could calm you so we let you go through it letting you know we loved you & were here for you when and if you wanted a cuddle. 

Finally you calmed down and became happy again and we all played Lego's together until I started dinner. Once dinner was finished and eaten we made our cake. It's the easiest, yummiest cake ever and you are the best cake making assistant I could ever ask for. You're always in charge of putting all the ingredients together and you really love being a part of the process, you want to do everything yourself.

The rest of the evening continued to be up and down for you. Bath time was a happy experience and bedtime started to be and we had some great story time but then it turned and you started becoming upset and angry, lashing out at us.  All week since Sunday our bedtimes have been tough except for Thur (which was amazing) and tonight was looking to be one of those tough nights again. You've been struggling to fall asleep, and have also started to need the light on. I can feel your anxiousness, it's such a big change for both of us now that you've decided to no longer have boob. I've even offered it to you during these tough times but you aren't interested. It's a bit surreal. But without boob you don't really know how to fall asleep so it's a big learning curve for all of us to try to figure out how to help you through this phase in the best way. You'll even get yourself to the point where you are almost asleep but then you'll resist it completely and start getting giddy and start lashing out again. But tonight what worked in the absolute end was daddy dancing you to sleep. It took a good couple of hours.

I know there's lots of changes happening at the moment on top of no longer nursing and I know you getting a little brother is a big thing for you to get your head around.  One second you're super excited about your baby brother giving my bump cuddles but the next second you want to hurt him by hitting, biting or kicking me. I feel for you, you're feeling so many mixed emotions and it's completely natural, just super hard to make sense of when you're going through them and even harder still when you're exhausted! But always know that whatever you are going through, or whatever emotion you are expressing we love you infinitely and everything will always be OK because all the feelings we have come and go, they are always changing and nothing ever stays the same. 

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