I woke up feeling really good,  I slept in until 7:00, you Forrest and I got up together and Nixie came downstairs about 20 min later.  Nixie you actually had boob in the early morning which is a pretty rare thing these days but happy it's still able to give you what you need. I was in such a love sandwich all night in between the two of you. 

The first thing you did when you came downstairs was run to me with the biggest smile on your face and gave me the best snuggle & then you did the same to Forrest and asked if it was forest school day today. When I said it was your face smiled even more. I made both of your favourites banana pancakes for breakfast and gave you your supplements which you both really like taking, the vitamin D is in liquid form and i get to squeeze it into your mouths and both of you remind me of baby birds.   Then you and Forrest played in the lounge while I got your lunch and backpack ready for forest school.  

Forrest you are absolutely determined still to climb up the side of the couch and it's very hard to keep you away from it,  each time I pull you away you become furious with me.  While waiting to leave you (Nixie) decided to finish one of your art projects. You also wanted to bring part of the deer jaw bone to show people at forest school and excitedly put it into your backpack.  

When it was time for daddy to drive you to forest school it was pouring rain outside,  it feels like all we have had is rain this year,  I don't remember it raining this much!  But you were just excited to get to use your umbrella. 

After they left you (Forrest) and I went upstairs for your nap but you weren't quite ready and we played and had some of the best snuggles and open mouth kisses which made you laugh hysterically for almost an hour and a half before you finally fell asleep.  

It's our 4th proper Wednesday together and I am really loving this one on one time with you. And it's also really great for me too,  to be able to have some me time during the day while you sleep.  I have even been able to breathe new life into my meditation practice. It's not every day like it used to be before I became a mother but at least I get to do it consistently once a week.  

Since last week I feel even better still, I did go to my GP appointment on Fri and shared what had been going on and requested to have some blood work done just to check my thyroid etc. to be sure everything is as it should be but she seemed to think it was the vitamin D that had the most impact and thought I just had some deficiencies but that if those low feelings came back to just call straight away and I would be seen the same day.  That made me feel good. I had been feeling like it was almost too good to be true and worried the negative feelings would return but now that almost another week has past I just continue to feel better and my energy levels have improved so much, and I wake up feeling joyful and peaceful and excited about the day and all the possibilities that may come with it.  I feel like myself again. I got my period today and I just feel relaxed and happy that I'm able to just rest while you nap. It feels like such a beautiful day. I still feel bad at how I had been and I just hope the two of you will be OK and that I haven't damaged you with how poorly my behaviour was. As a mother, it's the most awful feeling.  I am aware though that feeling guilty doesn't do any good once you've created change so I'm just letting the past go and will keep focusing on our beautiful present. I had a good 30 min meditation and then I went and made myself something to eat and then I came back up and snuggled up in bed with you and took the opportunity to read some of my wild and free mini mags that a dear friend gave to me.  They are full of so much inspiration and I can't wait to implement some things into our family. 

When you woke up after a couple of hours you were all smiles and full of giggles and cuddles and slobbery kisses.  We went downstairs and had lunch and I discovered you love smoked beetroot hummus sandwiches and then we just played and you've been really into making music today.  Oh I forgot to mention that you took your very first three steps the day after you turned 10 months and have been doing up to 4 steps very sporadically.  It's the sweetest thing. We went back upstairs for our new Wednesday bath tradition and then we just played some more and I tried to take some portraits of us. 

I just feel so much joy today,  it's like I can feel the energy of universe flowing within me filling me up with more and more love. I have missed this feeling!  It feels like being reunited with an old friend.  I'm so happy to be back. And I'm looking forward to making up for lost time with you and Nixie it's really hard to shake the feeling that the previous few months I haven't been my best and I feel bad that you both have missed out on me,  I felt like I was just in survival mode!  If only I would have started the supplements sooner!  But I can't change the past and can only focus on now, everything is the way they are meant to be. 

Around 15:00 daddy left go pick up your sister and you were ready for your second nap.  I'm so excited to see Nixie!  I always feel a bit giddy waiting for her to get home!! 

Just as I came downstairs you (Nixie) and daddy were in the garden and when you saw me you gave me the biggest cuddle and kiss and it was the best,  you were so hungry and had a snack and then told me about your day how you painted pine cones and made chocolate pies in the mud kitchen. We just hung out and chatted until it was time to make dinner. Daddy still needed to work and Forrest was still asleep so it was just you and I eating together.  You were in such a happy mood.  Forrest woke up just when we had finished eating but came down and had some of his own dinner while you had a mince pie for dessert but you call them mint pies.  

Afterwards you and I went to Waitrose to get tea and bananas and while there you wanted to say hi to our favourite person, you guys have now started to give each other giant bear hugs! We asked if she was working and unfortunately she wasn't and you got really disappointed but they asked you if you wanted to draw her a picture which you jumped at the chance,  it was so incredibly sweet.  We left the shop only to realise I had forgotten our shopping so had to run back.  You love being out when it's gone dark. 

When we got back daddy and Forrest were having the best of time playing and we joined in and Forrest you can now play catch!  We've played it twice today and it's so fun to actually be able to play with you in this way!  Then you (Nixie) and I played  a game where we hid the balls and gave each other clues by saying hot or cold. We ended up watching one episode of Spirit before you had your bath. I managed to get Forrest to sleep while you had your bath so that I was able to put you to bed which I really love doing, I just love all the snuggles I get and it always feels so incredibly relaxing.